#still running w that bc its funny.
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goofy little side order themed warm up doodle
jo voice: listen. this is gonna chafe. pance please
#my art#splatoon#splatoon 3#side order#splatoon 3 side order#pearl drone#agent 8#agent 8 splatoon#8: jo#throwback 2 when i originally designed jo and they were the quintessential 'pearlina are my moms' 8#still running w that bc its funny.#jo. a grown ass adult: yeah off the hook are my moms#tho in me and my bfs og type au timeline pearl and marina are like . Older#art.pdf#doodle.pdf
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Disgustingly messy and crusty sketch dump but I couldn't get my own terrible theory out of my head and ended up making a bunch of sketches about it. Also at the end a bonus dickbats and Damian doodle bc I was reading an issue of their Batman and Robin run (IDs in Alt)
#dc comics#dc#batfamily#batman#damian wayne#stephanie brown#tim drake#dick grayson#cassandra cain#duke thomas#anyway. zdarsky run sure is something huh?#its still so funny to me that half of 148 was leaked a few days before like someone has it OUT for that book over at bleeding cool ig#i don't necessarily think this theory will come true I'm just imagining how stupid it would be if it did#I'm not super happy with the dialogue in the cass+duke+dick comic but i felt my og dialogue might've read too fanon#mainly just bc cass' last sentence was originally shorter/just ellipses and duke said smthin like ''wait? villain arc?''#which you could easily find in wayne family adventures. even tho it would've been appropriate for this situation 😭#now the dialogue just sounds kind of generic (esp cass') and it's BOTHERING ME AUGHH. this is the comic book fandom panopticon /j#anyway Bruce is in the retirement home in this scenario /j#me n my friends were talking over discord and came up w the cursed scenario that jason is tims robin in this (apart of the 'redemption' arc#-that he's been nail gunned with in this run. god this run is so weird when it comes to jason. like it doesn't outright dislike him-#-like it clearly does damian and (more obviously) cass steph and duke) but the tone of everything w jason is still bizarre#god. anyway yeah i didn't draw him but please picture grown man tank Jason in the robin undies (ala tt 03 but dare i say better)#also the dick being silly sketch was bc the issue i was reading had damian refer to dick as 'jolly'#specifically like ''unreasonably jolly'' or something like that (god i love when ppl find dicks cheerfulness deeply unsettling hehehe)#and i thought it was so funny. bc damian met dick when we has going through his ''bruce is dead'' depression-#-and STILL thought that dick was extremely unserious. he sees happy dick and is like ''what is wrong w you. genuinely''#but at the same time he loves it#i need to stop reading their batman and robin run so scatteredly (or i can just reread nightwing must die...always a possibility)#anyway yeah 👍 bad sketches be upon you#mine
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once again crying bc im thinking abt all the homeless cats and dogs and bunnies.... :(
#and all other animals#and also all the animals that are illegally exported and stuffed into boxes to travel thru customs etc and they are tortured in there#nobody cares abt animals as living beings#like the numbers of these are millions and millions it isnt smth that just happens a handful of times#millions of animald are abandoned and homeless and millions of animals are illegally transported#humans dont deserve animals. in fact we just deserve them rising up and eating all of us#i mean thats what we do now so thats#just karma. there is no *real* reason why humans are the center of the universe#the only reason is bc humans is the no1 narcissistic species#cats are 2nd... the world would still be better if cats overthrew humans and ruled the world#ok lmao none of this matters it just hurts so much to think abt#animals are in our hands and we should care for the#them*. not this... it disgusts me#and ppl are so fucking... stupid#like there's a video of a bunny jumping from a cardboard box in an airport and runs around#and everyone loved that video and thinks its sooooo cute and funny ahhahah#and im like.. y'all rlly have no b#rainscells or basic understanding or any compassion???#ppl smuggle animals like that and that poor bunny was trapped in there w no food or water or space or air supply#and what do u think they'll do when they catch the bunny??#that isnt funny nor cute that is awful#most ppl who claim to 'love animals' only mean that#in a superficial sense. they love looking at animals bc theyre cute#but they dont view animals as living beings with rights or etc etc#humans are awful... ok anyway#thinking abt homeless cats and when a human is kind to them they get this look in their eyes#idk how anyone can be so empty and braindead and soulles to think animals dont feel#humans are animals. we are part of the universe and world. earth doesnt belong to us. we arent the centre of the universe. ew
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The Altered Beast[FULL SUITE] COULD be arthur bennett or adjacent to whatever hes got going on in tha finale. if ur brave enough. IF UR BRAVE ENOUGH [tldr its just about Things eating Things and becoming New Terrible Things. it also fucking jams]
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#POSTED THIS ON TWITTY ALREADY BUT I NEED MORE SKULLS TO CRAWL INTO. LET ME IN UR HEAD LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN#I LOOOVE THE MURDER OF THE UNIVERSE ALBUM SO MUCH. YOU WILL LISTEN TO PSYCHEDELIC PROG ROCK. YOU WILL#YOU WILL GET HIGH AND SCARED. YOU WILL CRACK OPEN YOUR HEAD SO I MAY ACCESS THE GRAY MATTER WITHIN.#its good music but the STORY OF JUST THE ALTERED BEAST IS NEAT AS HELL#U TELLIN ME THIS PERSON WHO WAS ORIGINALLY SCARED OF A BEAST NOW WANTS TO ASSIMILATE INTO IT#TO OVERPOWER IT. TO BECOME IT. AND THEN IT CHANGES HIM IN WILD WAYS. AND NOW HE NEEDS MORE BEASTS#YOU TELLIN ME NOW ITS JUST A MONSTER GOING OUT AND CONSUMING MONSTERS TO BECOME A MORE POWERFUL MONSTER#THATS SO FUCKING NEAT AND COOL. THATS WHAT I WANNA BE WHEN I GROW UP. I REALLY WANT ARTHUR BENNETT TO GET WORSE#I LOVE IT WHEN CHARACTERS GET WORSE. I NEED SOME PHOSPHOPHOLITE TYPE SHIT TO HAPPEN TO HIM#I NEED HIM INCOMPREHENSIBLE. yknow what is this a safe space. i have a confession#IT WAS A FUCKING COP-OUT FOR THEM TO LET ARTHURS BODY STAY HOT WHEN HIS FACE WENT TO 0 APPEARANCE#HIS WHOLE BODY SHOULDVE DISTORTED AND ROTTED. I WANTED ROT. I HIDE HIS FACE WHEN I DRAW HIM BC FUNNY CARTOON TROPE#BUT THERE ARE THINGS SQUIRMING WITHIN THE DARK. BONES HAVE SHIFTED AND FLESH HAS WITHERED AND DISTORTED. INHUMAN. BEAST.#COME OONNNN AND NOOOOWWWWW NOW HES MORE HES SO MUCH MORE. WHO KNEW SOULS COULD BE SO FUN TO EAT.#WHO KNEW IT COULD BE SO FUN TO KILL SOMETHING SO POWERFUL. TO BECOME SOMETHING MORE POWERFUL#VAMPIRES ARE SO NEAT BC THEYRE STICKY. THE FLESH JUST DOESNT SEPARATE THE SAME AS HUMANS. THEY LAST LONGER#BODY HORROR IS SO MUCH MORE FUN W VAMPIRES..I COULD TAKE A LIMB AND SMEAR IT OUTWARD INTO A FINE PASTE AND THE COLD FLESH WOULD STILL WRITH#IN MY HEART ATLEAST. WEEEEE!! ITS SO FUN IN HERE. IN MY BEAUTIFUL AND KIND HEAR.TS#I THINK IM RUNNING OUT OF ROOM. ANOTHER FOUL CONTRACT BOUNDING MY HUBRIS WITHIN ITS BASTARD LIMITS. ANWYAY IF U GUYS EVER WANNA GO CRAZY WM#IM HERE. IM HERE. I MIGHT READ UR MSG N THEN FORGET RIGHT AWAY SO SPAM ME IF U WANNA. HAVE FUNNN WEEEEE
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looking @ old fic i started when i was 14/15 is so funny bc im realizing once again why i never mark fics as abandoned even if its been literal years since i've touched them. specifically i was checking docs for stuff i started and either did or didn't post to ffn.
and its like. nothing is bad??? like i can see where my outside-the-box ideal of fic writing comes from. not just fics but writing in general, i'm p sure. even if it's a total cliche plot setup, there are details on each that rly make it stand out like oh yeahhhhhh i did have this great idea once upon a time.
funny too bc was it executed well in prose??? no absolutely not i wrote like shit when i was 15. would i revive an idea one day and revise it to be less cliche or cringy while still keeping the stand-out elements??? yea maybe. i might. everything i'm currently working on that i started from 2021 up to now still holds my supreme interest, but like i'm not gonna say never.
esp since i write fic first and foremost for my own need and specifically what i like to read, it makes it impossible to consider an idea i've thought extensively about "not worth writing anymore". anyway not making this too long i jus found everything interesting to consider
#writing#this fic i pulled up from JUNE 2014 crazy was the old chosenshi au i was trying to write for a friend#i dont ship blue/silver and never will and thats prolly why i never finished it#but i do still like!! the idea of rocket!blue raised w silver and breaking free of tr while running the hoenn branch#no idea how i remembered bc it wasnt in the plot pts on the doc but she was gonna get sent to the battle frontier#to nab jirachi and have encounters w frontier brains and change her mind at the end of it all#hell i could go back and not make it ship fic at all - have silver be a little one-sided obsessed or#even jus like.. attached to blue as a rivalry like as a way to show her up at every turn#another fic around the same time was the old pokespe hs au where i changed all the dexholder's names for some reason#i have no idea where i was in reading spe bc i put lyra in for some reason and had the sinnoh trio even tho i never read past v2 of dp#idk if it was more gameverse or what but its so funny looking @ the ship list n seeing i had gold paired w black#bc i had manga!ss and manga!ferriswheel so was it rly speverse or was i projecting????#actually i think black was supposed to die and gold was gonna go thru this whole thing abt grieving#looking at the ship list so funny bc i never shipped gold/crys or entourageshi#and clearly i did not know the superiority of pmshi if i threw lyra in jus for silver#god but i do love (most!) of the alt names i gave them#would absolutely fuck up the ship list if i ever redid it tho#also have perfectworld tho im sure i have the most recent rewrite on pen and paper somewhere#that one i also gave up bc the idea i had for flare!sycamore was cringe along with#every time i went back to work on it enough time passed that i thought my writing sucked#i rewrote that damn thing so many times but oooooooo i still love the idea#as long as i changed the cringe parts to smth better i could still rock w most of these#that fic rly had everything... psychic!korrina. leaf/serena. sycamore hacking the secret to mega evo. lys/syc that ends in failure#bc of the ending line i will never forget > only in a perfect world could you and i be together. destined and doomed from the start#im rambling n im boutta run outta tags gimme a sec
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mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"
me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"
mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"
me: "...my thing?"
mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"
me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"
mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"
me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"
AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!
#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good#not the worst definitely not the worst#just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.)#and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama''#number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu#my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything#and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that!#im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me#''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP.#i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind#like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.''#and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/''#mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over#i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family#this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!!#i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!!#i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible#i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out#i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose#i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!!#i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts#i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them#sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay#im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon#just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid#it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!!#or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that#suicide tw#abuse tw#ed tw
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i think it would be funny if in the future daniel + julia try to convince sasja to give polyamory/them as a throuple a shot
#like a reversal of step talking them into a being a triad in retri#been a while since ive played and definitely since ive played a chargeflystep run so. not confident in my memory#i just thknk it would be neat ! funny !#sasja still hates julia but. she knows now. and he knows that she knows. and thats not the reason she didnt save him#he still hates her for that hates her for leaving him. but. he also knows now that hes done much worse so. shrug#and in some runs he does accidentally drug-addledly confess to still being in love w her#and ! hes going to therapy and he does take it serious ! he can be difficult and lash out but. he does listen to what finch has to say#(and is willing to Work on things and like. have therapy Homework post retri)#and he wants. he doesnt want to be this (terror) anymore. he went to far he can see that now daniel made him see that. he wants to be.#something. better ? less murderous. less violent ig. i think he just doesnt want to hurt daniel again but. theres lots that could hurt him#anyway ! all that to also say - daniel is (supposedly) very perceptive and even tho hes not in the room when sasja confesses to julia#i dont think it would be hard for him to figure out that sasja misses julia (he still hangs out with her. even tho hes told her to fuck off#fuck off a thousand times) and ? maybe he would see or feel that theres still something there between them and#and idk. maybe daniel and ortega talk. maybe sasja and his romantic past w julia comes up. maybe ortega is like. it is what it is hes#hes clearly in love with you anyway so... but ? maybe......#idk ! im tired ! forgot where im going w this. idk how they get there but. maybe the float the idea by sasja. see if he would be willing to#to give julia another shot#(this came about bc i was thinking about how its funny that he + milo (+ vanya) are polyamorous but while milo#milo is dating as many people as she can sasja is just dating one person rn. i just think the contrast is funny)#sasja x daniel x julia#sasja jespersen#op#fh#sasja x julia#sasja x daniel
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if you have a switch, theres free demos for pikmin 3 and 4! and theres a pkmn go type app called pikmin bloom! also heads on hey pikmin. it literally sucks and its best to avoid it, dont try to play it if you dont want a headache. the new pikmin browser game also sucks but at least its not a headache to play!
oh buddy. hey pikmin was my First experience with the games
#🐠.ask#SLASH LH i appreciate the gesture its just a bit funny to me .....#granted it was a demo of it several years ago back when my siblings DS still worked but like#yeah its. Bad. from what i remember#i think its probably what made me lose any interest in the series for Years#and then watching some of hollys streams sparked it up again cuz it looked neat#that n some of my friends hearing i only played hey pikmin and immediately going like NOOOO THATS THE WORST ONE#ANYWAY. i will try pikmin bloom im never good w those games bc i dont get out much but maybe thatll motivate me a little more#i only just got it now but watching the little AR pikmin run around on my laptop is so silly
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oh tma is nipping at my heels. i miss the extinction
#admittedly almost all of my love of the show now is FOR the extinction and that is bc the idea of this nascent burgeoning embodiment of--#--the apocalypse seeping into reality and ppl walking into raw ugly glimpses into it is SO good. it is so interesting to me#like the way the extinctions influences from other entities is so much more obvious than the other fears bc it is still a baby and still--#--more Blended into them than the others which have established themselves enough in humanitys fears to have shit like avatars and--#--beasts. god !#gary boylan as this proto avatar where HE was not the victim but instead him+his obsession was the weapon wielded to obliterate others#<-- how freakyfun is that. he pokes around and ends up running w the cult of the lightless flame for a bit mistakenly thinking That is-#--what happened b4 both him and jude both have this epiphany and realize theyre dealing with something WAY different. if jon annoyed jude--#--just a tiny bit more she wouldve sent him to gary instead of mike lol#very funny that almost every extinction detail is crystal clear in my head but i just had to look up judes name bc i forgot it. all is ash-#--except for the extinction and a couple of funny jon moments in my memory#hope that tma2 has some extinction stuff in it bc the resolution for it in tma1 was SO boring. what do you mean a baby suddenly elevated--#--to the power of every other fear in The Change just became a fully formed and functional entity. so much missed potential there of the--#--eye not properly predicting the effect its ritual would have on the extinction bc it is a thing which CANNOT be known bc it isnt even in-#--existence yet. all seeing rather than all knowing you know. an inability to predict the future
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i wanna do my arms again
#i keep reasoning w myself that its cold outside and no one will know bc i wear full sleeves#but i still have scars from grade 7#theyre hella faded bc they weren't that bad but theyre still noticeable#thank god theyre on my thigh#i can still find the marks on my wrist from when i was 10 but they arent noticable unless u know what ur looking for & where 2 look#but anyway if i go crazy on my arms ill be in full sleeves for 2 years#i js started wearing t shirts in front of my family last year#i know i wont be able to convince myself to do shallow ones if i start there again#ilove warm blood running down my wrists#thighs dont feel the same bru#although having it soak thru ur socks is kinda funny#UGHFHHFHF I MIGHT HIT SMTH IF I DO MY ARMS TOO#i wanna nick a vein icl#omfggggg and beans r so so easy to reach#but beans=scar#IDKKDKDKDK#tw sh
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WHY DOES THIS GAME INSIST ON TRYING TO TEACH PANDORA TO PLAY CHESS!!!!!
#/this is a joke post#running joke that pandora fuckin refuses to learn it#there was a chat with lucifer where he was straight up like. 'you dont know the rules? thats an error on your part. fix that'#(paraphrased obvs but STILL)#so silly#idr what event it was that lucifer wanted to play chess w mc and you could say you didnt know how? and i decided that at every given opportu#nity i would press that option cause its funny#there was a chat about a chess tournament between some of the boys and mc and they came second to last#i have to assume it was bc beel (last place) was eating the pieces
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i know it’s been said a million times already but the way so called “progressive” spaces treat the mentally ill the fat the elderly/aging etc is sooooo.. 😬
#smudgy.txt#yes i am still talking abt 9-1-1 lone star#this running joke abt the captain being afraid of losing his hair#it's reminding me of how things r going rn wrt male beauty standards#which i Do Not wanna get into bc GOD the arguments give me a headache#but it's like so many self proclaimed progressive/liberal/whatever spaces#are so comfortable in these old shitty jokes n it confuses me?#like ok u want things to get better. but u will continually put down certain groups of ppl#when the ppl u claim to fight against are also making those same jokes abt those same ppl#using the same harmful tropes#im trying to explain this but idk how. its like uhh#a lack of self awareness? holding on to the comfort of 'safe' things like jokes abt ppl#who deal w things u don't currently have to deal w???#making these jokes u feel comfortably w without thinking abt WHY these jokes feel comfortable to u? why theyre so normal?#like the whole creepy nerd w a 'weird' (see: jewish) last name & curly hair trope#(havent seen this in lone star im just using an example)#its like. ppl still seem to find these characters funny but dont think abt why the joke exists in the first place. bc its comfortable#idk.. idk!!!!!
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wish i could post my paintings of theatre stuff here bc i'm really proud of those (my theatre keeps making amazing adaptations with SUPER COOL costume and lighting and setting and colour and visual symbolism choices) but alas. the chance is low but very definitely above zero that i'd doxx myself HARDCORE. but maaaan. trust me when i say that stage is just plain amazing. i need to live in the theatre
#a biscuit's rambles#im new but i never wanna leave theatre circles again#the people are so chill#weird people go there. like who else#i can be a part of something huge and amazing#im an artist in various ways and i adore literature and art and symbolism and conveying meaning#and i need to eat those productions#i need to absorb them forever#my grandma and grandad were huge theatre enthusiasts apparently. my grandma still is even if she doesnt usually go#she said it might have skipped a generation and i think shes right#suddenly ive got my ideal life figured out lmao#work in a theatre enough to live and write#i am going to be a published writer dammit no matter what but living off that is. hard at best#and i love the theatre so much#there are incredibly few things who have defined me as a person as much as my theatre#also im making a new friend i think#a few years younger giant theatre nerd and closeted trans :) i will befriend them. idek why but i met them at the premiere and yk what#i wanna befriend them so badly. we actually texted bc of smth regarding our shared fav actor#(who sadly left)but who was a huge inspiration for both of us bc Holy Shit Openly Trans Adult Enby Person!!!! And Theyre So Cool#and they asked abt smth bc they had to leave earlier and i said hopefully next time u get to stay......#sooooo#thats how you do social right. thats how being social works#anyway. theatre ramblings. i always get carried away#still think its funny af tho#bc its all black and white#and you forget bc everyone is b&w. the entire stage is b&w. thatd how it is#and then you leave for the breakroom halfway through and run into The Ghastly Spectre#(paper white actor with very black pronounced eyes etc with no colour on them showing At All)
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thinking :/
#is this anything to anyone else#or was i like#the only mf out here playing maidmarian when i was like 8 obsessively#i used to go on club marian and have random ppl high school musical 3 rp w me it was so funny looking back on it but#i never hear it talked abt#like this diva was kinda my everything#esp bc i was banned from downloading games for 'emachine got a virus if u thought abt it too hard' reasons#like nobody had my back like maidmarian...#ceci speaks#maidmarian#club marian#sherwood dungeon#idk if its still up? it seems to be but#whenever ive tried to play it it WILL NOT run for me
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rewatching nature i dont want to make one billion posts abt it so heres alllllll my nature thoughts as we go lets go wheeeeeee
#orels 'thats it?' like hes realising there WAS no real point to this other than pure punishment. like he didnt even really learn anything#i realised this earlier but i love all the stuffed animals in clays study. making up for that missed hunting trip i see#the bit of clay going to hand the gun to orel and then pulling away again to gesture some more is really funny#oh my godddddd theres so much more even bewtween grounded and this. I NEED TO WATCH THR CHRONOLOGICAL CUTTTTTT#the number of times clay references either being a MAN or calls orel a girl in this. i seeeeee#IDK WHAT THE BIRD IS i know the bird is Something. it was in another ep but i forget which#i think it was the prequel ep. maybe. sorry man im not smart enough to figure that out#ok theh cup holder on the rifle is crazy funny#eating the dog is crazyyyy i feel like it cld have gotten the point across w eating the deer butttt#idk i guess it crosses that line to make clay seem even more repulsive here. so it works#but also insane seeing the fucking. DOG in the bg of the argument etc#WHY IS HE EATING THE PAWWWWW LMAOOOO. the worst part ever#eurrghhh the way clay antagonises orel over the food. dud u do not have tp one up ur child. seriously#OOUUUAHHHHHH the way orels glare breaks when clay insults him.... blarrrghhhh#stealing this from a comment but how clay says 'look on the blight side' and 'my life is sunny and blight'#cus like technically he HAS a 'good' life. married w kids and a good job. but he cant get any joy out of it and refuses to see the positive#u know. even if he doesnt love bloberta if he tried they cld still get along. and he has a reallyyy sweet kid who adored him#he cld have used his position to make a positive impact#but he doesnt. he runs and he hides and he pushes everyone away#orel tearing up at hearing clay say he hates himself is sooooooo fucking real man. it hurts#been there one billion million times. so painful#interesting how clay extends his hatred for bloberta to Every Woman Ever.#wonder if he had any relationships before her and how they turned out. badly id imagine#he says that marriage isnt for him but its kinda unclear if thats bc hes had a terrible history w love or hes just not interested#not sure if u cld say it extends to his own mother or not.#i guess u cld say that over the yrs his guilt twisted into hating her in some way. maybe for spoiling him so much#like in relation to his comments abt like. making him feel better and then choking him. and weights around his neck#the first is obvs abt the alcohol and the second bloberta#and also vice versa it kinda goes both ways#but i do wonder if he does still feel guilt abt what happened. hes sshown to be deeply affected by his fathers abuse still so hmmm
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Had a talk w my profs/employers earlier about renewing my contract where one of the things we talked about how I missed so many of the Thursday-group-meetings cause I was sick/had doctors appointments.
We also agreed to have another talk on our next meeting.
Just had to email them to tell them I couldn't make it bc I remembered I had a neurologist appointment that day.
Stay tuned to see if I lose my job I guess :D
#Tbf I feel like it's coming to its end anyways#I'm technically almost done w my degree but the few things I'm missing I don't feel able to do bc of my disability#And they only want to employ me / legally can keep me a student as long as I intend to finish which I am but like... Idk if I can do it#But their patience is running out and also at one point the uni will kick me out so#Anyways I'm extremely anxious now and sometimes telling someone what makes me anxious helps me get rid of the thought spiral#But I don't want to tell an individual cause then I actually have to talk about it so that's why I'm making this rant post#Anyways love my avoidant style of problem solving which doesn't actually solve any problems but just makes them worse and worse#Has worked out great for me the last 300000 times I did it#Which is actually funny to say cause like most of the time it did actually work out but just would have been immensly easier if I did it#Right away#But still every time I feel like the world will end#.... Maybe I should go back to therapy#It's been 2 years so I think I could again?#Would love to go to my last therapist bc she really helped me while I worked w her but it'd also be extremely embarrassing to be like#Hey girl remember like t h e thing we worked on for 2 years and I made great progress w? Well guess who just let it get extremely bad again#Granted this time it's not just my avoiding but my memory slash concentration issues due to my fatigue also play an extremely big role
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